There are few places as romantic as ski resorts. It’s the perfect place to find a special someone—even if he or she is not Mr. or Mrs. Right, he or she can certainly work as Mr. or Mrs. Right Now.
While there are many great ways to make a connection on the slopes, the chair lift and gondola ride is the best opportunity to make a lasting impression—one that can lead to a relationship until you have to go home.
But not every impression is a favorable one. If you’re looking for pickup lines, we have you covered—use at your own discretion. Sometimes, however, it’s more important to learn what NOT to do. Here’s how you can guarantee that you will stay single on the chair lift.
1. Make sure to grab the safety bar and slam it down as quickly as possible after you take off.
Not only will this ensure that everyone on the lift will enjoy being smacked on some part of his or her anatomy, but the resulting grumbling will also provide background noise for your lift ride.
2. Make an exhibition of all of your bodily functions.
Farting, burping, blowing snot rockets, or any combination of the above. This shows your fellow skiers that you are in perfect health.
3. Rock the chair so violently that people are actually pleased that the bar is down.
Bonus points for pretending to slip underneath the bar and possibly fall, but make sure to save yourself at the last minute.
4. Talk loudly over everyone else.
While this a surefire way to stay single on a lift, it’s even more effective when you’re in a gondola car. The acoustics ensure that you will drown out everyone else’s conversation.
5. Be sure to pepper your conversations with the catchy slang of the day so that others feel bewildered or out-of touch.
Phrases like “shred the gnar,” “sick pow, bro” and “totally steazy” are sure-fire winners.
6. Bring up topics that are guaranteed to make people avoid you at all costs.
Examples: how great a skier you are; the reason that your last relationship ended; how much better your gear is than someone else’s; your carb-free/gluten-free/sugar-free/caffeine-free/lactose-free/cayenne pepper lemonade diet.
7. Demonstrate your singing voice…
…but only with songs that will stay with your chair mates long after you’re gone.
8. Stay silent.
When the person next to you asks where you’re from or how your ski day is going, do not reply, do not make eye contact and do not give any indication that you’ve heard them. Silence is golden and yours is 24 karat.
9. Remember the lesson you learned at school: if you’re going to eat something, make sure that you bring enough for everyone.
Items like tuna fish sandwiches, a can of sardines, a well-bruised banana, any sort of canned meat or a granola bar that has been pulverized in your pocket until it’s dust are excellent choices.
10. Smoke on the chair lift and/or in the gondola.
Make sure that the windows are closed on the gondola car. Don’t ask ahead if anyone minds and certainly don’t take notice of people’s looks of disgust or pointed coughs.
If you’re looking to maintain your glorious independence and want to ensure your continued single-dom, feel free to use the above guidelines. However, if you’re looking to make a new friend for a run or longer, use the above as a map for behavior to avoid.