If Your Ski Resort Were a Drink…

As unique as a snowflake, every ski resort has a distinctive feeling and vibe. Rolling up to a lift in New England is decidedly different than hopping on a chair in Colorado. Each ski resort’s personality is created from many different elements, from its size to its location to its history and nightlife. More here…

But what if your ski resort were a drink? Would it be smooth and fiery, like whiskey? Bright and bubbly like champagne? Warm and fuzzy like hot chocolate? Or cheap and cheerful like a 40? Here’s how to figure out what drink your ski resort would be…if you could consume it in a glass, chug it straight from the bottle or shoot it from a shot ski.

PHOTO: Filzmos.at

1. How big is your resort?

A. It’s huge, with plenty of room to roam.

B. Wanna see?

C. Bigger is always better.

D. Size doesn’t matter–it’s the speed of your turn that matters.

E. It’s not too big and not too small. It’s just the right size.

F. It’s so big that I can spend the week there and never ski the same run twice.

2. What is the quality of the snow?

A. Does it matter? Adversity makes you stronger.

B. It’s sick pow, bro.

C. Champagne powder, of course.

D. If you’re worried about the quality of the snow, you should go home.

E. It’s nice and groomed without too much powder.

F. It’s perfect, providing perpetual first tracks and faceshots

3. How crowded is your resort?

A. There are enough people to make riding the chairlift interesting, but not enough to cause irritation.

B. There may be a few lines, but it’s always a party!

C. I pay people to wait in line for me.

D. Who cares? You’re skiing, right?

E. There is a line for the magic carpet, but other than that, it’s not busy.

F. Crowded? I’m the only person on the mountain.

4. If your ski resort were an animal, what animal would it be?

A. A lone wolf

B. A cougar

C. A peacock

D. A rescue dog

E. A teddy bear

F. A griffin

5. What is the uniform of choice at your resort?

A. Functional and warm, with duct tape accents.

B. Neon onesies.

C. Fur and leggings.

D. Jeans and a Starter jacket.

E. Helmet covers involving dragons, dreadlocks or Mohawks.

F. Next year’s line of gear. It was distributed for free in the parking lot.

6. How much extreme terrain is located at your resort?

A. The backcountry is my extreme terrain. Earn your turns!

B. Who cares? Where are the terrain parks?

C. Let me ask my videographer.

D. When I was a kid, we didn’t have extreme terrain—we just called it a couloir.

E. None

F. It’s all extreme terrain.

7. What celebrity is most likely to ski at your resort?

A. Justin Timberlake

B. Justin Bieber

C. The Kardashians

D. I’ve never seen a celebrity at my resort.

E. Dora the Explorer

F. Indiana Jones

8. If your ski resort was a color, what color would it be?

A. Plaid

B. Neon pink

C. Gold

D. Rust

E. Sunshine yellow

F. Rainbow

9. What time does après ski start at your resort?

A. When the lifts close.

B. Start? When did it end?

C. 4 p.m., as is traditional and proper.

D. Breakfast.

E. What’s après ski?

F. It’s always après ski because beer is free but you never get more than a pleasant buzz.

10. Where is your favorite place to après?

A. I belly up to my neighborhood bar, where the bartender knows my name.

B. The bar where the drinks are flowing and the ski boots are still on at 2 a.m.

C. The hottest new bar where I can see and be seen.

D. On the tailgate of my truck in the parking lot with a cooler and a grill.

E. What après? It’s bedtime!

F. The place that always has an open seat on the deck and serves free drinks and snacks.

PHOTO: The Guardian

RESULTS

Mostly A’s: Whisk(e)y

Your ski resort is whiskey. Like this potent spirit beloved by the Irish and cowboys, your resort appeals to those with dreams of wide open spaces and neck deep powder. Equality reigns and a discouraging word is seldom heard.

Mostly B’s: Jägermeister

Does après at your resort usually involve “shot skis” and people yelling the words to Sweet Caroline? Then your resort is Jägermeister. Infinitely enjoyable (and tastier the colder it is), your resort is a haven for college students, those who used to be college students and people who graduated 20 years ago, but still pretend to be college students.

Mostly C’s: Champagne

Full of glitz and glamour, your resort is Champagne. Bright and sparkly with a rush that goes straight to your head, your resort may attract those that have a meltdown if their ski boots don’t match their ski outfits. However, just like in life, there is gold among the dross—if you know where to find it.

Mostly D’s: Colt 45 (or any malt liquor found in the cooler of your favorite gas station)

Your resort is the ODB of the skiing world. You won’t find heated gondola seats (or a gondola, for that matter), on-mountain restaurants or tons of grooming, but your resort has character—one that tends to give you the stink eye at first glance, but will end up passing the bottle at the end of the day.

Mostly E’s: Hot Chocolate

Comforting and sweet, your ski resort is hot chocolate. It’s perfect for those who are just beginning, have little ones or prefer their ski days to be easy breezy. Your resort is known for creating a warm, fuzzy feeling and a stomachache if you spend too much time there.

Mostly Fs: Unicorn Tears

Your resort, like the unicorn that sheds tears of pure platinum that sparkle with bits of rainbows and is pure like the heart of a newborn baby, does not exist. We can always dream, though, right?